Back to Work After Maternity Leave

I returned to work after 17 weeks of maternity leave. The State of California allows up to 4 weeks off before your due date, plus 12 weeks off for bonding time. The extra week off came from vacation time. I have the same job, but I am working second shift for only part-time hours right now. As Jack gets bigger I might slowly add more hours back to full time, but no rush from my boss as long as stuff gets done.

Michael and I worked it out so we avoid paying for childcare. He works first shift while I stay home with Jack. Then I put Jack in the car, bring him to our work and we trade cars. Then he drives home with Jack and I go to work. Then I get off just in time to get Jack ready for bed. I like this solution for two reasons: we avoid the $1000 a month bill for childcare and we both get time to bond with our son. And so far Jack doesn't seem to mind. He usually falls asleep in the car with me and wakes up when Michael gets home. 

How could I leave this face?

But the first day back was hard. The night before I bawled my eyes out over it. Jack had been my whole world for three and half months, how could I leave him? That day I brought Jack in the building with me because he was awake when I got there. Michael was ready to go so he quickly took Jack from me and kissed me goodbye. I just stood there thinking No! Bring me my baby back!  I went to my desk and started to work, but I kept worrying about my baby. What if he wont take the bottles? What if he wont nap? What if Michael doesn't do tummy time? What if he just cries the whole time? What if he forgets me in these next 5 hours and never wants me to hold him again!?!?

When it was time to clock out, I rushed home. My boys were standing at the door to greet me, and Jack lit up when he saw me. Everything was alright. Michael is an excellent dad and takes great care of him. I had nothing to worry about. That being said, I am a mom and I will worry about them both every day still.

Michael sent me this on my first day.
 He was just fine, and even started to grasp his bottle!

But am I exhausted? Yes (especially with the sleep regression still going on). Are there some days I feel like Jack and I are never going to get out the door on time? Yup. Does it suck I get even less time with my husband now? Totally. As much as I wish I could be a stay-at-home-mom all the time, it's not feasible right now. And everyone at work is so accommodating for what our family needs that there is no reason for me to quit.

I get to come home to this face every evening!

Being back at work also means I'm pumping at work too. I will do a post about how that'd going next, so look out for that.

Dealing With Sleep Regression

It happened so suddenly and quickly snowballed. From about 3 weeks-old, Jack had slept through the night. Maybe twice a week waking at 4 AM to nurse, but usually sleeping right till 7 or 8 AM. And he would take three 2-3 hour naps each day too. I did very very light "sleep training", if you ever want to call it that, but he was just naturally a good sleeper. It was a dream come true! Then one night it all vanished.

It all started three weeks ago. The first few days he just woke up one extra time a night to nurse. Then in a few days it went to twice. Then before I knew it he was waking up every two hours. Then nap time went out the window, only 30 minutes at a time. Then he became insanely fussy at bedtime and it would take over an hour to get him asleep. Needles to say I am exhausted and frustrated. Did I mention that I started back at work this week too? Such fun. 

This is the last good night of sleep we got three weeks ago.
He woke up at 7 AM and we put him in bed with us until 9:30!

Jack is in what is known as the four month sleep regression. It can happen anytime around 3-5 months though. I knew it could happen and I did some research on it. But let me tell you, I didn't think it would get this bad. He didn't even act like when he was a newborn! It sucks, really really sucks. However, because I did my research I know it should not last forever. 

Now he only wants to sleep in my arms during the day.
 don't mind short term, but it would be nice to clean my house...

So what is the evil sleep regression? Essentially Jack is learning how to sleep like an adult. Before this he slept like he did in the womb, one basic sleep cycle. He didn't need to recharge any of his major systems because he wasn't really using them. Now that he is bigger and doing bigger things, he needs to have deep REM and non-REM cycles like adults. But unlike adults, he has not learned how to sleep through these cycles yet so he wakes every 45-90 minutes. Also during this time Jack is undergoing a major growth spurt and a mental leap. That's a lot of stuff for a little guy to go through, no wonder he's having a hard time sleeping and wants more milk! However, once it's over, he should return to normal. I can't wait for that day. 

But for your amusement and because I was bored when afternoon while he slept in my arms...

 Four Stages of Grief For Sleep Regression:

Stage 1.) You deny it's happening. He's just having a bad night...for the past 2 weeks. He'll be fine tomorrow night. He will take a good nap this afternoon too.This isn't sleep regression, it's just a growth spurt!

Stage 2.) You get angry and blame everyone. Your husband has the TV too loud so you ban him from it. The neighbor's dog won't stop barking so you yell out the window for it to shut up. The house is too hot so you call the AC repairman demanding he come out today. The room is too bright, the sun must be imploded! You think you are a bad mother and just cry. 

Stage 3.) You plead with your LO. You will give him anything or do anything if he just goes to sleep. You want to co-sleep, will that make you happy? How about a new sleep sack, we can get one with owls on it! More milk before bed? You want a puppy? A Porche on your 16th birthday? You want me to stand on my head? Daddy will sing all night long for you, please just sleep! 

Stage 4.) After some research, talks with your mom, consulting the online forums and calls to you doctor, you finally accept it. Your sweet little angel is in the middle his first sleep regression. You hope it will be over soon and you just pray you keep your sanity till then.

Why I Am Happy I Didn't Give Up Breastfeeding

Eleven weeks ago, I couldn't imagine that I would ever say this phrase: I love breastfeeding. I really do! But it was not an easy road to get here. It hurt so bad for the first three week. Jack latch wrong and severely cracked/bruised my nipples. I was beyond exhausted and was so overwhelmed that Jack asked to nurse every hour. I also didn't understand why Jack wanted to nurse so often so I was afraid I had a supply issues. All this made me consider giving up. But I educated myself and realized I was doing everything right. Check out my previous post on this for the full story.

But I am so glad that I pushed through and did not give up. This is seriously one of the best experiences of my life. Look at this picture and tell me it is not beautiful?

Just nursing Jack on the shores of Lake Tahoe, no big deal at all.

The first reason I am glad I did not give up is the most obvious: I know I am doing the best thing for my son. Did you know that the milk I am making now is designed just for Jack (La Leche League meeting)? I think that is really cool! It is literally the best possible thing I can feed him right now. It is giving him the correct nutrition he needs and the composition of it will change to meet his needs as he gets older. He also gets all my antibodies to help his immune system and nervous system develop. And not to mention he gets my love and affection. The look he gives me when he latches on is the definition of unconditional love.

The milk face. He gets so happy
when he realizes he's getting fed.

Second reason, it empowered me as a women. Not only did my body make a baby, it is feeding that baby. That is freaking amazing! I am doing something that no man can ever do, a unique privilege reserved for women. It's creating a bond with my son that only I, as his mother, can provide. I feel like I understand the female body now, and it's beautiful. I accept all the flaws of my body because I know what it is capable of doing. And  the willpower of a women is the strongest thing in the world. It took such great mental strength to overcome all the initial challenges of breastfeeding. I admit that most men have more brute strength, but I argue that women have a greater overall strength now.

Still look pretty good in my bikini,
not as great as before but I embrace it.

Third, it has made me fearless. At first I hid when I nursed my son. I would always be covered, go to another room, or just bring a bottle of expressed milk. That got old pretty quick. Nursing covers are difficult to put on while holding a hungry baby. And Jack likes to wiggle when he nurses so they don't always stay on well. And it embarrassing walking around looking for a private place to nurse with your baby screaming their head off. It actually draws more attention and stresses you out more. So one day I decided I was over it. I am not doing anything vulgar so I had no reason to hide. So I started nursing openly in public. No one can tell me stop or cover-up. I am polite and don't flash my boobs around by any means. I just find a nice place to sit, calm start nursing him, and sit there quietly. I've gotten a few dirty looks but it's their problem, not mine. I am totally within my rights and not breaking any laws. I am fearless mother.

It took 5 minute to get him situated
 under the cover. Not worth it.

And so far I received overwhelmingly positive response. A man and his toddler walking by one today told me to not worry about covering up because his wife went through the same thing. An old lady told me I was giving my son the best gift possible. Even at a loved one's memorial service when I stepped outside to nurse him, someone gave me a shout out of encouragement.

I also need to give a big thank you to La Leche League.I started attending meetings last month and it inspired me to keep nursing. It was refreshing to hear that the other moms have gone/ are going through the same problems. And it's so empowering to see women nursing for over a year. With the knowledge I've gained from the meetings, I am now determined to nurse him for a year minimum. Then I will decide between pumping or continue to nurse for another year. It will just depend on what's going on in my life then, but either way Jack will get two years of my milk.